


Secrets

by SaadieStuff



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Trauma, Whump, Wings, secrets and reveals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-07-20 17:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16142177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaadieStuff/pseuds/SaadieStuff
Summary: The Clave reformed over the years, but the changes proved too fast for some, and not fast enough for others. Eventually, there was rebellion, and the Shadowhunters descended into civil war… Loyalties are divided, trust is questioned, and a parabatai bond, galvanized in eros, stands as the key to change the tide of history...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kimmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimmy/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in the future, when Jace and Alec are about 30 years old. Passages in italics take place a few months earlier. 
> 
> To Kimmy: Sorry this is a day late and half done… I got fixated on the secrets and reveals part of the prompt and it really got away from me, but the other half is well underway! I hope you find some enjoyment in it!

*********************************************************************

The Clave reformed over the years, but the changes proved too fast for some, and not fast enough for others. Eventually, there was rebellion, and the Shadowhunters descended into civil war…

*********************************************************************

Jace sneaks in at three o’clock in the morning, a noticeable two hours later than his patrol rounds had been scheduled to end.

Trying not to wake Alec, who has an early meeting in the morning, Jace heads towards his own bedroom rather than joining Alec down the hall. Having two bedrooms not only keeps up appearances for occasional visitors, but practically, they’re also handy for shift work.

Usually.

Tonight, when Jace steps into his own room, he finds Alec lying on the bed.

“Jace, what happened?” Alec asks, sitting up, “I was practically getting a workout through our rune.”

“Nothing exciting, just moving fast in some rough terrain,” Jace answers, trying to sound casual.

“Oh... It was getting so late I thought maybe you had encountered Rebels and… I couldn't sleep.”

Jace _had_ run into Rebels - just not in the way Alec is thinking.

The worst part of the last few months has been having to lie to Alec. Jace is always careful to tell at least half truths; it makes it easier to disguise his physical tells, to control what Alec feels through their bond, and to keep his story from straying too far from official mission reports on the off chance one comes across Alec’s desk. Tonight, he goes for the dodge.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t really notice the time or I would have texted, so you wouldn’t worry,” Jace apologizes as he approaches the bed.

“Oh yeah, because the Clave loves it when you stop in the middle of your field rounds to text your forbidden parabatai lover,” Alec dead pans, and reaches for Jace’s hand, voice now falling tender, “Come to bed.”

“I need to shower first. I’m gross. And you need to sleep.”

“Jace…” Alec begins.

“I know, when did I become the responsible one, right?” Jace smirks.

“Just shower quick, okay?” Alec says, sounding unsettled.

“I’m sorry, I really scared you, huh?” Jace says softly, sitting down next to Alec, drawing him in and placing a kiss to his temple.

“I can’t lose you Jace. Not after Izzy. Not that I ever could but…”

“I know. I get it,” Jace says, sighing, and moving a hand to rub soothing circles on Alec's back.

Jace remembers then that lying to Alec isn't the hardest thing - it’s watching, _feeling,_ Alec break over Izzy again and again, all while holding the power to make his pain go away, but unable to use it while needing Alec's grief as a shield.

“I don’t want you out in the field anymore,” Alec blurts out, “I know that’s selfish. I know how much you hate desk work. And I know the Clave needs you in this war... but I need you too, to the point where I've completely lost objectivity, always thinking of whether my decisions will put your unit in any danger, all because I can’t handle a few hours of not knowing if you’re alright.”

“You’ll always know. You knew that I was alright tonight, just that I was exerting myself,” Jace says gently, trying to lessen his own guilt, as he slips his hand under Alec’s tshirt to rest bare against his parabatai rune.

“I know.  But my mind still went to all the worst places. That you were being chased. That any moment you'd be cut down and I'd feel that awful _snap_ again. I never used to be this scared all the time. But these last few months…”

“You've been grieving, and under a lot of stress. It's perfectly understandable that you're feeling… vulnerable. That doesn't make you a bad soldier,” Jace assures him, then with a mischievous smile adds, “And besides, there's more to life than being a Clave soldier.”

Alec doesn't take to Jace's levity. “Lately that's all I want, the _more._ _You_. I only want you,” Alec says quietly.

“You have me," Jace promises, "you know that.”

“Sometimes… I've been feeling sometimes like I’m just getting feedback in our bond? That I’m not feeling _you_ ,” Alec explains, staring into Jace’s eyes like he can look into Jace’s soul and see where it twins with his own.

Unable to stand the scrutiny, Jace looks away, and runs a hand through his hair, “It’s been a rough few months. I don’t mean to shut you out and-- look, I’ll cut back on field stuff.”

“You will?” Alec says hopefully.

“Of course,” Jace says, turning to meet Alec’s gaze again, “Anything for you.”

And _that_ is no lie.

~~~

The next day when Jace sets foot at work, he is promptly arrested for treason against the Clave.

He reaches for his sword immediately, turning it on himself. It’s not for the cause - he has little information he could give up to the Clave about the Rebels. The information flows one way, out - and the the instructions, in. To be captured alive means only torture for him - likely for Alec too - then death, if he’s lucky.

~~~

Alec is more discreetly escorted, under the guise of being called to an emergency meeting with the Commissioner, all before he can even process Jace’s panic.

“Commissioner, sir, where is everyone?” Alec asks, surveying the room and finding only six guards and none of the usual meeting attendees. “What’s the emergency?”

The Commissioner frowns deeply at Alec, “The emergency is that Jace Herondale has been arrested for treason against the Clave--”

“What?!”

“Alexander Lightwood, you are hereby detained until we can determine whether you aided your parabatai in his crime. Please give me your stele.”

“Sir, there must be a mistake,” Alec says forcefully, but respectfully, once he’s handed over his stele and gotten a few seconds ahead of his shock. The Commissioner is a good man, and his support could be critical to clean up this misunderstanding.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Jace would not betray--” _me_. “He would not betray the Clave.”

“He has before. So have you,” the Commissioner says matter-of-factly.

“That was before. We were young. And things are different now. The Clave is different. You know that we’re the first to bring forward our disagreements with Clave policy and actions. We’re always open about working to change things from the inside. We certainly wouldn’t go behind the Clave’s back the Rebels, who have proven to be extreme, and reckless with the lives of Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike,” Alec argues, impassioned, parade rest forgotten.

“I don’t disagree Alec,” the Commissioner says, dropping the formalities, “But the evidence against Jace is irrefutable. We know for certain that he passed information to Rebels last night after his rounds. So, assuming you are innocent, you speak only for yourself.”

Alec is shaken, knowing Jace came home late yesterday, but he’s _so sure_ Jace would never do this to him.

“Sir, the Rebels are responsible for my sister’s death. And Jace was as close with Izzy as I was. So, with due respect, there has to be some mistake.”

“He tried to kill himself before we could take him in. What innocent man does that?” the Commissioner challenges.

“One who knows the Clave still uses torture on special occasions,” Alec says snidely. _Or o_ ne _who has been tortured before and can’t face it again._ Reeling himself in for Jace’s sake, Alec steels himself into parade rest again and continues politely, “May I speak with him?”

“Maybe later.”

Alec nods curtly.

~~~

Hours later, Alec’s parabatai rune singing pain for several of them, the Commissioner returns.

“I hear you’ve been making quite a racket in here,” the Commissioner says.

Alec has to channel all his energy into not screaming, into not tackling the Commissioner on the spot.

Seething, his voice barely under control, Alec manages to speak. “You’ve had him detained for half a day and you’re _already_ torturing him? That has to be a breach of Protocol 17 because there is no way you have enough grounds to fall into the exemption--”

“As it turns out, last night was not the first time Jace passed information to the Rebels. He’s been doing it for months. It explains a number of our recent failures, and Rebel successes.”

Confusion temporarily chases away Alec's fury. “No, that’s not possible with the mind scan procedures here. No one could go more than a day hiding that from the Clave.”

“We think he had a way to avoid detection. Do you recognize this?” the Commissioner asks, flicking a picture of a rune-like symbol on to the wall screen.

~~~

_"What is that?" Alec asks Jace as they undress for bed._

_“What?” Jace asks._

_Alec points at a rune-like symbol high on Jace’s thigh. He'd noticed the new mark on Jace’s body the first night after Izzy died, as he and Jace had sought comfort in each other. But, at the time, his mind was addled with the freshest of grief, and the rune’s unfamiliarity hadn't registered._

_“Oh, this beauty?” Jace quips, with far more zest than Alec expected given what they’re going through._

_“You drew it,” Jace continues._

_"What? I did not," Alec protests, confused, “First, that’s not a known rune. Second, I think I would remember-- Unless... I did it on Saturday?”_

_"You still haven’t been able to remember anything from those days?”_

_Alec shakes his head, “No. Nothing has changed. I have Friday, doing paperwork around dinner time? Then nothing. Nothing until I regained consciousness... that was Saturday night?”_

_“Yeah,” Jace confirms._

_“It’s just so strange to know so much happened and instead there’s this huge gap I keep falling into.”_

_“You got knocked out pretty good,” Jace says, getting under the covers._

_“Ya, unconscious for an hour with no effect from an iratze? That’s unusual," Alec agrees. "Honestly, it makes it hard to believe she’s really dead. Especially not being able to have the funeral rights. To see her. You know?”_

_Jace looks sick._

_“God, I’m sorry Jace,” Alec says, “I shouldn’t have-- I know you couldn’t carry both me and her… body... I didn’t mean--”_

_“I know. It’s okay,” Jace reassures him._

_Alec drops his head and nods, feeling guilt radiating from Jace._

_“Come here,” Jace says._

_Alec turns off the lights on the way to the bed, then slips in silently next to Jace, who instantly reaches for Alec, pulling him close._

_“You didn’t finish telling me about the ‘rune’,” Alec says after a quiet few minutes, “Why did I draw it?”_

_"I don't know. We were just goofing off," Jace says dismissively._

_"Try to explain? Please?" Alec asks, voice suddenly strained, the gap in his memory proving to be a source of some anxiety._

_Jace plants a trail of soft kisses along the line of Alec’s shoulder, calming Alec a little before answering, "We were fooling around, in the dark, and you said you had something fun to show me, and you were a little drunk, and so was I. You drew it...”_

_“That’s ridiculous,” Alec says, unimpressed with himself._

_“Sorry,” Jace shrugs, “Like I told you, we went out to a mundane pub on Friday night... with Izzy..."_

_"Right," Alec says quietly. How cruel it seems that he can’t recall a single second of what should be some of his last fond memories of Izzy. “I wish I could forget this whole week. Forget that she’s gone.”_

_Jace squeezes him tighter._

~~~

Alec's stomach lurches at the thought of Jace naked in a cell beneath him.

“I’m embarrassed to say I don’t recognize what rune that is,” Alec says truthfully, but omitting the fact that he’s seen it before.

“Don’t be. We haven’t been able to identify it,” the Commissioner explains, “Certainly suspicious in the circumstances. We suspect it is something to avoid detection by the mind scans.”

Alec’s mind is racing, a few occurrences from the past months since Izzy’s death suddenly lining up, others making less and less sense by the second.

“My apologies for the indignity,” the Commissioner begins, “but one of the investigators needs to check you over for the same rune.”

~~~

When they don’t find any unusual runes on Alec, and he passes a fresh mind scan administered by a Silent Brother, they let him see Jace.

“Maybe you can talk some sense into him. There may still be a deal on the table if he can give us something useful,” the Commissioner tells Alec as he shuts the door behind him, leaving Alec alone with Jace, separated only by cell bars and the length of Jace’s restraints which don’t quite reach them.

Alec takes in the surroundings. A white padded cell, dark red blood splatters everywhere, Jace curled up on the floor, back to Alec, agony rune carved into his skin.

“Jace?” Alec calls out quietly.

“Everything cushion soft. So no easy way out,” Jace half laughs, half sobs, voice gurgled by the blood in his mouth.

“Oh god,” Alec chokes out in whisper, dropping to his knees in front of the bars, “Jace... I know there’s been a mistake. We’re going to get you out of there. I just need you to hang on, and I need you to give me something to work with.”

Jace slowly rolls over on the floor, crying out involuntarily as his weight shifts over broken bones and torn skin, entire body on fire like he doesn’t think it’s ever been before.

“Jace,” Alec almost squeaks, through their bond getting just a small hit of the world of pain Jace is in.

“Evidence,” Jace says. It’s not a question.

“I know. They showed me. It’s bad. But there has to be an explanation. I know you wouldn’t spy for the Rebels. They killed Izzy,” Alec reasons desperately, “And-- And even if you would, you’d have told me, you’d have brought me in on it because you'd have to have a good reason to--”

“No,” Jace says.

“What do you mean ‘no’?” Alec asks softly.

“I’m sorry,” Jace says, clearly resigned.

“No,” Alec shouts suddenly, grabbing the cell bars and pressing close to them, “No, you can’t do this to me. You need to fight!”

“I have nothing to give them. The Rebels didn’t tell me anything,” Jace says, voice coming stronger, “I did the right thing. You’d agree if you knew.”

“You’re talking like you’re guilty,” Alec says, horrified and taken aback, control slipping further as denial is wretched from his grasp.

“I--”

“Shut up! Shut up,” Alec yells over Jace, remembering they’re certainly being watched, and the last thing Jace needs is a confession on tape.

Somehow, Alec screaming at him feels worse than any of the torture Jace has endured.

“This is bigger than me. Bigger than you,” Jace says weakly now, tears starting to fall, “But I can save one of us, I can save you, so I will.”

“I don’t understand. I don’t-- Just, why? Why would you help them?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jace tells him, fearing if he says too much that Alec won’t be long for this world either.

“If you would just tell me-- just tell me and I can help you! Please Jace, please, I’m begging you,” Alec pleads, finally breaking down.

“No, I won’t. Your devotion to the Clave - to know what I know? - would have destroyed you, torn you in two. And it would do the same now,” Jace lies, but fully opening himself to Alec, letting him feel the deception for the first time, hoping he gets the message.

Alec wants to scream, _We’re past that!_ But he doesn’t, catching the signal of the blatant falsehood just in time, confident in the deep-seeded knowledge that their loyalty to each other comes first.

Alec wipes his face with his sleeve, pulling himself together, and tries to send his own message back

“How could you _lie_ to me, all this time?” he bites back. Now that he’s caught on - to what he doesn’t know yet - Alec tells himself he’s only playing at being angry for the cameras, but that’s not true. The hurt that he’s been lied to, and that he hadn't noticed, is real. “I don’t even know you,” he says coolly.

It’s too much, Jace is already too broken, he can’t play along.

“Alec,” he sobs, almost incomprehensible, “I can’t-- I can’t take anymore of this if you're angry with me… Please, please just-- just tell me you love me? It doesn’t have to be true. Just tell me. God, please, Alec, please-- I can’t--”

“I love you,” Alec whispers, “I love you."

~~~

_"Izzy's dead," Jace lies, forcing a crack in his voice and a hundred-yard stare into the distance._

_"Jace… I… I'm so sorry," says Chase, the Clave medic attending to an unconscious Alec, "Can you tell me what happened?"_

_"Rebels," is all Jace says._

_Chase shakes his head angrily, and is about to speak when Alec groans, coming to._

_"Alec, Alec, can you open your eyes?" asks Chase gently but loudly._

_"What happened?" Alec says weakly as his eyelids crack open._

_"You’re okay. You've just been unconscious for a little while. Try to relax," Chase tells him._

_After only a few calm breathes while mentally surveying his body for injuries, Alec says, "I feel completely fine actually," and starts to sit up._

_"Please stay still," Chase instructs._

_Alec sighs, and lies flat, "Last I remember I was working late in my office on some reports after the strategy sub-committee meeting. How did I end up unconscious?"_

_Chase glances at Jace, then back to Alec._

_"I think you may have lost a bit of time..." Chase says._

_"How much time?" Alec asks, alarmed, considering what seems like an unnecessarily solemn expression on Chase's face._

_"A day or so," Chase answers._

_"Oh," Alec says, relieved, sitting up before Chase can stop him this time, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and turning to Jace for the first time, "So, what happened?"_

_Jace freezes, wondering for a few long moments if he's made a mistake; if he is going to be able to do this, to lie to Alec, his parabatai, his lover. But he had known this first lie would be the hardest - impossible even to speak it directly - bad enough as it is that Alec may sense it through their bond if Jace isn’t careful. So he waits, and pins his hopes on Chase._

_Chase studies Jace and quickly recognizes that the burden of informing Alec has fallen to him - but he’s used to that with his job, especially these days._

_But Alec is already getting there himself, reading Jace’s face, feeling his guilt._

_"Alec, you and Jace and Izzy were out... and there was an attack by the Rebels..."_

Good, _thinks Jace. The more Chase fills in the details the fewer lies Jace must tell._

_"Izzy-- How bad-- how bad is it?” Alec stutters out._

_Jace just stares at him, his mouth gaping open, then shut, but no sound comes out._

_"I'm so sorry Alec..." Chase says._

_"Jace,” Alec pleads, ignoring Chase, “Jace, tell me she isn't. Jace, please..."_

_Jace wants more than_ anything _to tell Alec the truth. But he reminds himself it’s for Alec’s own good. Alec will forgive him later. Alec has_ already _forgiven him._

_Yet still, Jace cries - a convincing performance, but not a performance at all - his guilt, his stress, and the shocked despair flowing freely from Alec, fueling real grief that overwhelms him._

_He doesn’t know how they ever thought he could do this alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are they going to get out of this one??


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have been visited by the exposition fairy! ;)

_Alec knows immediately that it is not meant for his eyes, his ears. His gut clenches uncomfortably as it dawns on him:_

_They’re on the wrong side; they have been all along._

_Lies, propaganda, falsification - the Clave is rotting from the head down._

_All Alec can think is to get out of the Institute as fast as he can, leaving no trace that he was near this room at this moment._

_He phones Jace and Izzy and asks them to meet him at a mundane bar. “I’ve had a rough day and want to get a little drunk without running into any subordinates, okay!?” Alec snaps at them, hoping they’ll go along without question - and they do._

_By closing time they all feel sick - and it’s not from the alcohol._

~~~

_Following a tense, but successful, approach of the rumoured location of the closest Rebel camp, and after some hours of discussion, Alec, Jace, and Izzy manage to convince the Rebel leaders that their defection is genuine - that they’re there to help. And the Rebels have something in mind..._

“A spy? You don’t need a spy,” Jace says, “What you need is to get the word out that the Rebels aren’t the ones responsible for the atrocities of this war.”

“We tried that,” Willa, one of the Rebel leaders, says with a wry smile, “Remember a few months ago, we disrupted Clave comms, tried to get that very message through?”

“We all dismissed it as Rebel propaganda...” Alec says quietly.

“But this time would be different. We could appear in the message. At least some Shadowhunters who know us will believe us over the Clave,” Izzy suggests.

“That is not enough. So long as we hold the far weaker position, Shadowhunters will be too afraid to come to our side in numbers of any significance to move against the Clave,” says Caspian, the most elderly of the Rebel council.

Alec audiably scoffs at this. Despite his badly shaken faith, he still believes firmly that many of the people he works with every day are brave and righteous and would be compelled to join them if only they knew the truth.

“Tell me you were not scared to come here? To defect?” Caspian challenges, looking to the three of them.

Alec had been scared, but not for himself; for Jace and Izzy whom he was dragging into this when they could have remained ignorant and likely safer on the winning side.

Alec sighs, and Jace lends words to his thoughts. “People want their families to be protected. And the Rebels can’t offer that as things stand.”

“That is the conclusion one reaches when one disregards the notion that a good Shadowhunter never allows emotions to rule them,” Caspian says wisely.

“Well you can have three spies for maybe a day before we’re caught by the mind scans administered by the Silent Brothers. Do you know about those?” Jace asks.

“We do. There have been a handful of defectors from various Institutes since the scans were implemented. It explained why we hadn’t managed to install a successful spy or saboteur at an Institute or in Alicante in some time,” Willa says.

“So how would we be any different?” Izzy asks.

“ _You_ would not be, but one of them may,” Caspian says gesturing at Jace and Alec.

“What do you mean?” Alec asks, puzzled, brows furrowing.

“We believe we have found a way for one in a pair of parabatai to defeat the mind scans.”

“What? How?” Jace presses.

“From what the defectors were able to tell us, and the research we’ve done, we think the scans pick up the same sort of emotional information that is shared between parabatai,” Willa explains.

“The Silent Brothers are not reading minds, merely performing a high level sweep, testing for minds uneasy with secrets,” Caspian says.

Alec and Jace exchange a look. In the beginning, they had both been concerned the scans would reveal the secret of their affair. But they had passed unnoticed, their love for one another causing no unease - in fact it was the most calm and settled thing either could call up in their mind.

“I was part of a small group of scholars sequestered some years ago by the Clave, tasked with the study of restricted ancient texts,” Caspian continues, “The particular search with which we were charged was not fruitful, but we gained much other knowledge - including of certain lost runes, and how parabatai can make unique use of them. One such rune would allow Alec or Jace to project the other’s mind as a shield of his own.”

“Of course there is no use in that if both of you harbour the secret of being Rebel spies,” Willa adds.

“The memory of the past day will have to be taken from one of you,” Caspian says.

“So, hypothetically…" Jace begins, "we use this rune… we erase Alec’s memory back to before he knew of the Clave’s deceit, you send us back to the Clave, Alec carries on none the wiser while I act as spy and saboteur, and I project Alec’s innocent mind to the Silent Brothers when they read me.”

“That’s correct,” Willa confirms.

“And I stay here?” Izzy asks.

“Yes,” Caspian nods.

“But--” Alec begins.

Caspian cuts him off, rising from his chair gingerly, “You can have some time to discuss amongst yourselves. I know we are asking much, perhaps when you are not yet forged in the cause.”

"But not a lot of time,” Willa interjects, as she follows Caspian to the door, “If you're agreeing to do this you need get back to the Clave quickly, before suspicions are raised."

~~~

“We decided last night, the Clave has to be stopped,” Izzy reminds them once they’re alone, “But you two would be risking your lives. Even if the rune works perfectly, Jace could get caught passing information to the Rebels.”

“Wait,” Alec says, holding up his hand, “why is everyone assuming Jace will be the active spy?”

Jace turns to Alec, "It has to be you who stays in the dark."

"No, that doesn't make sense," Alec protests, “I have more access to information.”

"And when are you going to convey any of it without raising suspicions? I'm the one dealing with communications, going out in the field - I have the opportunity to communicate with the Rebels, to relay the information that you tell me - because you always do, you tell me everything from your meetings," Jace reasons.

"And you're going to sit in those meetings with your face looking like that?" Izzy says, pointing at Alec’s scowl, "Your nose twitching, trying to pretend you don't know what you know? You'll have to lie to all those people everyday, _and_ to Jace. Jace would only have to lie to you.”

“No, it’s too dangerous,” Alec says, shaking his head, but knowing they’re right.

“Are you saying we shouldn’t do it?” Jace asks, eyes narrowing.

“No, just that… Jace, if you get caught..." Alec says seriously, trailing off as he reaches for Jace’s hands.

"I'll leave you two," Izzy says, getting up.

"It's fine," Alec and Jace both mumble, but she sees herself out without another word.

"They'll torture you,” Alec continues.

"And I won't know much. I'm sure the information is going to flow only one way. Maybe the odd task they give me but--"

"That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about _you._ You _being_ tortured."

"You don't think that when they get nothing from me they won't torture you too? See if that gets me to fess up? They know we're close - not _how_ close but… we’re both risking our lives either way we play it."

“I know,” Alec sighs, “I know. And I know we have to do this. We have to help stop the Clave. It's out of control - the lines they’ve crossed - _we’ve_ crossed without knowing - because we believed in the new guard, people we trusted.”

“You’re worried we’re being too trusting now.”

“It’s the right thing to do. It’s why I brought you two in on it last night. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

"You don’t like anything," Jace says.

"This isn't funny."

"I'm not laughing."

~~~

“You’ve made your decision?” Willa asks.

“Yes,” Jace and Alec say in unison.

“I play spy. Alec plays clueless,” Jace says.

“Good,” says Caspian, satisfied, “Do you have any questions?”

“Plenty,” Alec says.

“We’ll get to those,” Willa says, “Starting with the practicalities.”

“You’re not going to like them…” Izzy says under her breath to Alec.

Willa explains, “Alec will draw the rune on Jace. Then Alec’s memory will be erased, and he’ll be knocked out, explaining the memory loss. Jace will take him back to the Clave, where he’ll wake up. Jace’s story will be that the three of you were attacked by Rebels, and that Izzy was killed--”

“No,” Alec says loudly.

“There’s no way that I can lie about that,” Jace says frantically, “Alec always knows when I’m lying about big stuff.”

"You’ll be able to use the rune to project Alec's own emotions back at him, to hide your own somewhat,” Willa assures him.

“Alec’s real grief will be a most effective shield for Jace against the Silent Brothers,” Caspian says, “And the anger towards the Rebels for killing your sister will be very convincing.”

Jace casts a wary look at Alec.

“Fine,” Alec agrees.

~~~

“So what does this fancy rune look like?” Jace asks, twirling his stele in hand later in Caspian’s office with Alec.

“Only Alec need draw it, on you,” Caspian says, handing Alec a picture of it, “I recommend placement somewhere it will not be seen, to avoid questions from others about the unfamiliar rune, and from Alec."

Jace and Alec exchange a look. No matter where they put it, Alec will see.

When the silence goes on too long, Caspian asks, "Is something wrong?"

"I'll think of something to tell you," Jace murmurs to Alec, hitting him lightly on the arm.

"No, no problem," Alec says quickly, snapping out of it, "So I draw this rune--”

“You are more than parabatai,” Caspian says, smiling.

Both open their mouths to protest, but Caspian silences them.

“You need not be ashamed. When I studied the ancient texts I learned the true reason the Clave forbids _eros_ between parabatai - and it is simply for fear that the devotion to each other will overpower any loyalty to the Clave. Long ago the Clave invented the curse and hid powerful runes away to keep the strongest parabatai soldiers in line - oppressed, _distracted,_ by the constant battle against falling in love. Because it is _e_ _ros_ which often makes for the strongest parabatai - more volatile, yes, if they fall apart - but either way, it threatens the Clave’s control, and at some point it was decided that rather than take that risk, they would prefer to settle for weaker bonds, weaker warriors.”

Alec and Jace stare back at him, speechless.

“But that does leave me having to ask, are you committed to this? Are you prepared to sacrifice yourselves, and each other? What kind of fool would I be to think that our cause, which you only joined this very day, would rank above your devotion to one another, the very same which the Clave so fears? We are trying to be different from the Clave - to not command your obedience. You have a choice here.”

~~~

“High thigh?” Alec asks when they’re left alone.

“I guess. At least no one but you will see it,” Jace says as he starts undoing his belt.

“Better not,” Alec says with a smirk, the first smile to grace his face since uncovering the Clave’s lies. Jace doesn't call attention to it, he just lets it pass, warming him from the inside out.

“Do you think what Caspian said is true? I mean I know we decided the curse was bullshit but… this could be confirmation. It could change things. One day maybe we wouldn't have to hide.”

“Apparently we're not so great at hiding now. He read us better than--”

“A Silent Brother mind scan?”

“Yeah,” Alec says as he glances at the rune on paper one more time before crouching in front of Jace, steadying himself with one hand on Jace’s bare thigh, giving it an apologetic squeeze as Jace twitches under the burn of the stele.

“Looks good,” Jace says as he cranes his neck from his leg to the paper.

“Now I guess I’m off to have my memories erased,” Alec tries to say casually as he get up.

“Only one day’s worth,” Jace says, pulling up his pants.

“An important day,” Alec says solemnly.

“Come here,” Jace says softly, and draws Alec in for a kiss - deep as it is soft.

“It’s going to be alright,” Jace whispers when they part.

“Try that lie again,” Alec says quietly.

“Alec…” Jace says apologetically.

“I’m serious. Try it again, but practice using the rune to shield me from it.”

* * *

 

* * *

“That got heated,” says Councillor Hallowbear when Alec returns from the jail-cell visit with Jace to find that two councillors he knows only in passing have joined the Commissioner in the observation room.

“I’m sorry you had to witness that,” Alec says slowly, steeling himself to pretend to play ball with the Clave, at least for now, “He is my parabatai and I’m furious and confused and feeling everything from him as well. I lost control.”

“It’s understandable,” says Councillor Pinethrush dismissively, “Now, from what we heard, you were not able to get anything out of him.”

“No. He told me he doesn’t know anything. I believe him, and it makes sense. Why would the Rebels tell him anything and risk exactly this situation?”

“So you believe he has betrayed us?” the Commissioner asks.

“No,” Alec says too fast, scrambling for something to say to keep Jace alive long enough to figure out a rescue plan, and something that will convince the Clave of his own loyalty in the meantime. “I mean, there’s more to it, he’s been brainwashed or-- I don’t know - when he and Izzy and I were attacked by the Rebels a few months back? I was unconscious, I have no memory. Maybe they did something to him.”

“Well, we’ve only had him a few hours, and he’s strong. He may yet change his tune,” says Pinethrush.

Alec feels sick again, but he fights the urge to try to convince them that Jace knows nothing, fearing that conclusion may only spell a swifter execution - and he needs time to figure this out, sort out who he can trust. But is there anyone?

“We hope you won’t be offended, but you need to remain quarantined for now,” Hallowbear says.

“I hope you won’t be offended that I need to make a phonecall first,” Alec replies.

~~~

Alec spends the next day going out of his mind with how helpless he feels, quarantined in temporary quarters, hopes pinned on Lydia but knowing there is only so much she can do. Pacing the room, trying to remember that missing day until he gives himself a headache, punching things, collapsing on the bed, trying to ignore the pain from Jace, trying to send him a lifeline - his love - instead.

The Clave he thought he knew, the Clave which had reformed - he doesn't even recognize it now. _Does power always corrupt?_ He feels like he's been shown its true face, twisted and cruel. And that can only mean he's gained their trust, or they're going to dispose of him. He has to choose which one to lean into - play along, or burn it all down.

Alec is curled up on the bed when Pinethrush and Hallowbear enter.

“We’ve got nothing out of him,” Pinethrush says, “but we have a new idea.”

“Torture you in front of him, see if that will loosen his tongue,” Hallowbear says with a wicked smile.

“Okay, let’s do it,” Alec says quickly, getting to his feet, knowing it will not only secure the Clave’s trust of him, but also give Jace a break, at least physically.

“While your devotion to the cause is admirable,” Pinethrush says with something like delighted surprise, “You needn’t sacrifice your body for this.”

“We have other prisoners we can glamour to look like you for this purpose,” Hallowbear explains, sounding mildly disappointed.

Alec bristles at the idea of yet more torture against the Protocols. They had been following them so closely - or so he'd thought.

“But there's a snag. He will know it isn’t really you being tortured, because of the bond,” Hallowbear continues.

“So we propose to break it first,” Pinethrush finishes.

“Break… break our… parabatai bond,” Alec says, unable to keep the tremor from his voice, his eyes from going wide.

“There will temporary pain for you but we are hoping you’ve come to your senses now and recognized that it is for the best that you cease to be bound to that traitor.”

_Fuckfuckfuck._

“May I be present?” Alec asks calmly, summoning unearned composure from somewhere deep within.

Pinethrush and Hallowbear exchange a look, then Pinethrush nods. “Come with us. The Iron Sister has already arrived with the severing sword. We had only come to warn you.”

 _Right now? Shit._ Alec’s mind races through the options he's been entertaining and discarding all day. Diplomacy isn’t working. Maybe violence - but how much can he do alone? Or just stall for more time?

Alec barely gives thought to the bond - he and Jace are beyond that now. If they can both just _survive_ this they’ll be okay.

~~~

Alec stands at the observation glass, watching with Pinethrush and four guards as Hallowbear and another four guards enter the cell along with an Iron Sister he doesn't recognize.

When they've approached, Hallowbear kicks Jace in the side. He whimpers.

“Don't worry Mr. Herondale, we’re not here to break more bones. We’re here to break your parabatai bond,” Hallowbear sneers.

Alec clenches his fists so hard his fingernails dig painfully into his palms. He feels backed into a corner, it’s all happening too fast, there’s too many people, there’s nothing he can do - he just has to stand there as Jace cries out as they roll him over in the tiny cell to expose his parabatai rune.

“You may want to sit down,” Pinethrush warns Alec, “This will hurt.”

Jace struggles weakly against his restraints with the little energy he has left. Through swollen eyes he sees the glint of the severing sword as it comes down, point aimed at the rune on his hip.

It's the strangest thing - Jace hears it shatter before he  _feels._

The sound is cold and metallic.

Shards of the sword like shrapnel clanging against the cell bars, piercing the pane of the observation window.

Then, pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in next time for the comfort part of h/c!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:** I feel I should warn that Jace briefly experiences some trauma/panic, in case that is going to bother anyone.  <3

Alec collapses. He’d expected the severing of their bond to feel like Jace died all over again - by far the worst pain he’d ever felt, starting at his parabatai rune and crashing over him.

What he _hadn’t_ expected is a surge of warmth, of _power_ , in their rune - to ride an earthquake beneath him - to feel pain erupting from _his back_.

He feels like he’s being torn in two.

Instinctively he pulls his shirt off, disoriented, clawing at his bare skin, horrified to find it splitting open under his fingers before he blacks out.

He wakes to no more pain of his own, only Jace’s.

_Jace._

Alec can still feel him; their connection a strong, healthy pulse through their rune, despite Jace’s wrecked state.

Confused, Alec hauls himself off the ground. He feels fine, just bizarrely _heavy_.

As Alec stands up straight, he finds Pinethrush and the guards on the ground, and the observation window shattered.

They’re all staring at him, eyes wide.

~~~

Jace experiences much the same as Alec, except that there is no relief when he comes to.

His body already wracked with injuries, the new pain in new places - places where his body didn’t used to extend - almost overwhelms him.

But Jace’s focus is pulled when he senses Alec storm into the room. Jace struggles to raise his head, and through blurred vision tries to take in the sight of Alec framed by pair of large, dark, wing-shaped---

Jace groans, closing his eyes tight to try to clear them, letting his head fall to the side.

A feather tickles his nose.

_Feathers._

_Wings._

_What?_

He barely puts it together before Alec has made it over to him, having stopped only briefly to snatch a stele off an unconscious guard before making beeline to Jace. Alec drops to his knees beside him, careful not to land on the blonde wings splayed out awkwardly beneath Jace.

The restraints pinning Jace down, the dead weight of his own broken body, and the small caged cell had left no room for them to expand, leaving them bent and twisted.

Alec barely looks at Jace as he begins to tend to him, too busy watching their backs as everyone else regains their footing. As he passes the stele over Jace’s iratze, Jace almost cries with relief - even though he knows many of his injuries are beyond runes. As Alec quickly moves to trace the unlocking rune over Jace’s many restraints, the iratze starts to lift some of the fog of pain, and Jace notices a cool breeze skirting over his skin.

“Jace, can you get up?” Alec asks, just as Jace notices the source of the night air - a large hole in a partially crumbled wall.

“Go,” Jace croaks out.

“I’m not leaving you!” Alec hisses out as he next activates his own strength rune.

“I know,” Jace says, the hint of faint smile actually playing across his lips.

“Come on,” Alec says, starting to pull Jace into a seated position.

Jace screams. Every feather feels like an exposed nerve as it grates across the floor - excruciating.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Alec says, but keeps going, dragging Jace off the floor to scoop him up.

“STOP THEM!” Hallowbear suddenly bellows over Jace’s weakening cries.

“I’m not attacking an-- an angel!” one guard protests, looking to his comrades for support.

“They’re not angels, it’s just a glamour - a ruse!” Hallowbear shouts back.

“They may not be angels, but only the Angels could shatter my sword like that!” the Iron Sister interjects.

While the others squabble, Alec manages to gather Jace into his arms, wings and all. Jace is almost numb to the pain at this point, there’s so much.

“Fly,” Jace says, watching Alec’s gaze flick nervously over the broken wall.

“I can’t-- I don’t know how-- I--”

“You can. You need to,” Jace rasps with the last of his energy.

Jace is right of course. They’ll never escape on foot with Alec carrying Jace, trackable by their runes. They need a much greater head start.

Alec knows they’re only one story up, so he takes a run at it, flinging them out of the breach, into the air--- and they start to drop immediately.

Alec calls on his wings to _move_. And they do; the tips nearly hitting the ground on the first downstroke.

But it’s enough.

~~~

They land on the roof of a building across town, hidden under the overhang of another.

Alec lays Jace, seemingly unconscious, out on the concrete, and takes the opportunity to assess Jace’s wounds. Some have healed, thanks to the iratze, but many linger stubbornly. And his wings are still crumpled.

Alec can only imagine how painful they are; Alec nearly dropped them out of the sky several times during their journey just for the pain of barely brushing the tips of his own wings on structures they passed. They’re raw and sensitive, like new skin.

 _Wings. They have fucking wings._ It registers, really registers, for the first time in Alec’s mind. But there’s no time to think about that.

Alec settles Jace’s head into his lap. “Jace,” Alec says softly, stroking his face gently where it’s perfectly healed, “Jace, I need you to wake up for a minute. Jace…” he calls softly.

Jace whimpers, eyelids fluttering but not opening.

“I know, I know,” Alec says apologetically, fingers running through Jace’s hair now, slow soothing movements over and and over, “But I need your help.”

“Alec…?” Jace groans, sharp edge of fear evident in his voice.

“I’m right here. I know it hurts. But they’re going to track us down fast. I need you to tell me if we can go to the Rebels.”

“Izzy,” Jace says, eyes flying open.

Alec shakes his head softly, “Jace, I need you to concentrate.”

“Izzy’s alive,” Jace mumbles. 

“What?” Alec doesn’t believe it, thinking it’s mere ramblings of a tortured mind.

“With Rebels.”

“Wait, they have her hostage? Alive? Is that how they got you to help them? I don’t--”

“No, Reb--” Jace starts, then coughs, dry. It wracks his body; tears stream down the sides of his face involuntarily.

“Oh Jace,” Alec whispers, bending down to place a kiss on Jace’s forehead. He feels hot, too hot.

“Rebels… good… Help us,” Jace rasps, throat strained.

“You’re sure?”

Jace nods.

“Okay,” Alec sighs. It occurs to Alec that the Clave hadn’t been able to get a location on the Rebels since-- well since around when Jace started spying for them. “Where are they?”

~~~

They land outside the Rebel camp, Alec still clutching Jace to him though his strength has long since failed after the long flight carrying Jace’s dead weight. He’s not sure how he’s managing.

A small group of well-armed Rebels come out of nowhere, as if through a crack in the air, then halt, staring at them.

“Look, I know we have wings, I don’t know why. Jace needs help, but just-- stay back, okay? We’re not going with you without Izzy-- Is Izzy here?”

“Hello Alec. I’m Willa. I know you don't remember, but we've met. We called Izzy as soon as you pinged our radar. She should be here any--”

On cue, Izzy appears out of thin air as well. As Alec spots her, Jace feels a sorrow lifted from Alec that has been there for months, but trepidation seeps in too.

“Oh my-- By the Angel. Alec, are those... wings?” Izzy asks, excited but confused, moving quickly towards them.

“Apparently,” Alec says, sounding a little stunned.

“What the hell happened? Jace looks like--”

“Can you just slow down?” Alec says loudly enough to stop Izzy in her tracks.

“Alec,” Izzy begins, calm and slow, “I know you can’t remember what happened, but the Clave is bad news. We defected. You included. And you agreed to have your memories taken so Jace could spy. I’ll explain everything, okay big brother? But let them help Jace. These are good people, trust me.”

“I trust you _if_ you are really you. Prove it.”

“Alec, it’s me,” Izzy assures him.

“I can’t risk-- Jace is in bad shape, okay? I can’t-- I just need you to prove it,” Alec says, voice cracking, “Please Izzy.”

Jace can feel Alec’s panic rising as the last of his adrenaline runs out. Jace wants to reassure him, but he can’t rally himself, all of his energy going towards hanging on to a thin thread of consciousness, swimming against the current of pain.

“Okay, okay,” Izzy starts before rambling off childhood memories and sibling secrets for at least half a minute, only stopping when Alec finally collapses to his knees in relief.

“Alec!” she shouts, rushing towards them, followed closely by other Rebels.

“Izzy, I thought you were dead,” Alec says, tears falling when she reaches them.

“I know, I’m so sorry,” she says, kneeling to embrace them both, trying to avoid the wings.

“Sorry to interrupt the reunion but we need to get out of the open,” Willa says, as a Rebel medic approaches with a gurney.

“Is there a medical wing here?” Alec asks hopefully, sniffing and wiping away tears even as more threaten to fall.

“No, but there are two doctors and lots of supplies - they can handle this,” Izzy promises.

“Can you get him up?” one of the medics asks.

“Yeah,” Alec says, but groans and staggers as he stands.

Izzy moves to help him, too quickly, catching Jace’s wing with her arm, causing him to jolt in pain and almost making them overshoot the gurney.

“Oh Jace, what did they do to you?” Izzy says quietly as she looks over his naked form.

“He’s fading fast,” Alec explains, having felt Jace’s body fall more limp every minute as they'd flown, “He needs nourishment and hydration so I can draw another iratze.”

“Not all of these wounds will heal with an iratze. Some look to be carved with forsaken instruments,” one medic says, then signals to the others, “Let’s move!”

“And his wings?” Alec asks as they pass through the outdoor cloaking-glamour into a hallway.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like them…”

“They kind of hurt. Like a lot. Any time they touch something,” Alec explains as the medics part to make room for a doctor.

“I’m Dr. Rosebrood, formerly of the Vancouver Institute. I’m afraid I must admit I’ve never seen wings on a Shadowhunter before either. But we can put some padding down on the ground. Straighten out his wings, align the bones - assuming that’s what they’re even made of - then try an iratze on them.”

“Good,” Alec nods.

“Alright, Jace, we’re going to get you hooked up with some fluids first, and some meds, make you more comfortable, let you rest and heal up. How does that sound?” Rosebrood asks Jace.

“No,” Jace says weakly, but it’s muffled in the movement of Izzy draping a blanket over him.

Izzy turns to Alec, holding another ball of fabric in her hand, “Here’s a shirt but, uh…”

Alec doesn't understand Izzy’s hesitation for a moment before he remembers the wings. “Fuck. I don’t know.”

“We’ll worry about that later,” Izzy says, tossing the shirt aside.

“I’m going to need an arm…” Rosebrood says to Jace, pointing at his grip on Alec.

Alec tries to get Jace to let go of him. Though everything is foggy, Alec pulling away from him registers sharply.

“Alec?” Jace whines, finding his voice, “Don’t go. Alec--”

“Shh, I’m not going anywhere. And Izzy’s here too,” Alec reassures him, crouching down so he’s eye level with Jace on the gurney, “The doctor just needs your arm for an IV, okay?”

“Don’t let them make me sleep,” Jace pleads, eyes scared and wide.

“Your body needs rest to heal,” Izzy says softly over Alec’s shoulder.

Alec looks back at her, “He’s in so much pain Iz. They used an agony rune....”

“That’s completely against the new Protocols,” Izzy says, appalled and disappointed, but hardly surprised at this point.

“Is that why we defected, we found out--?” Alec asks.

Izzy shakes her head. “Worse. The Clave was--”

“He’s going to need to sleep sometime soon,” Rosebrood warns over them.

“I know, but just fluids for now, and pain meds that won't knock him out,” Alec says, turning back to Jace as a medic hands him a cup of ice.

Alec takes an ice cube out of the cup, Jace nods softly, and Alec slips it through his dry lips.

It's such a relief to have moisture fill his mouth for the first time in days - cool as the fluids now flooding his veins.

Jace closes his eyes just for a moment - and he slips seamlessly into a nightmare, flashes of the horrors of his past clear as ever.

He wakes violently, thrashing to reach the surface of consciousness, wings flailing, knocking everyone and the gurney over; a sharp _crack_ as he lands on the ground.

It’s too much. He wants to crawl away from it all, crawl away from the pain, but it comes with him as he drags himself up. He can’t leave it behind - it’s attached to his back, it’s inside his mind, _it’s a part of him._ He collapses against the wall helplessly, doubled over on his knees, heaving, sobbing.

Alec is with him in an instant. “Jace, Jace, you’re okay, you’re safe,” Alec soothes, again kneeling beside him.

Maybe he _would_ be okay if Alec could just hold him. But they can’t seem to maneuver their wings properly, leaving a cruel distance between them.

“I don’t want them. I don’t want them.” Jace beings to murmur.

“What?”

“I don’t want them!” Jace shouts, pushing away from Alec and beginning to claw at the feathers where the wings meet his back.

“Jace, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself,” Alec calls out after him, “Stop! Jace!”

They scuffle, and tired as Alec is, Jace is much worse, and Alec easily pins him on his back, straddles his torso, and holds his wrists to his chest.

Everything is spinning, but Jace hears Alec’s voice booming, telling off Rosebrood and others who seem to be approaching them. And then, it’s just them, as if in a bubble, Alec’s voice floating down to him, soft and steady.

“Calm down, calm down,” Alec tries, “Just breathe. Breathe with me,” he says as he lowers his face to Jace’s, pressing their foreheads together, “ _Parabatai_.” 

Jace breathes. It hurts, but he does. He shudders for it, then stills, stops struggling, stops squirming helplessly under Alec's weight, stops twisting away from his grip.

“That’s it,” Alec coaches, sitting up a little, and easing his grip on Jace’s wrists, thumbs rubbing small circles over his pulse points instead.

“Alec, I--” Jace starts apologetically between gasps for air.

“Shh, I know what happened. I felt it,” Alec says, releasing one of Jace’s wrists completely and moving to stroke Jace’s face, “You just keep breathing, and when you’re ready, tell me what you need.”

Jace nods, and he breathes, and he wills himself to relax. And puts on his bravest face.

“Pretty sure... what I need is... medical attention,” Jace quips weakly.

It doesn't fool Alec - not for a second - but he gives Jace his reward anyways, flashing him a lopsided grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just keep extending this thing! I think the next will actually be the last though!


End file.
